Opinion: The Biden intervention

Scene: The Clinton home in Washington, D.C. on a sweltering late July day. The living room has a group of chairs lined up in a semi-circle. 

Cast: Jill and Joe Biden, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Barack and Michelle Obama, Chuck Schumer, Hakeem Jeffries, Nancy Pelosi and historian John Meacham.

Setup: Bill and Hillary Clinton have invited Jill and Joe Biden for cocktails to toast the upcoming 78th birthday of the 42nd president. (E-invite: “Join us in toasting Bill’s 78th on July 19th, a month before his actual birthday, but just in time before DC clears out to the Hamptons, Cape Cod and the upcoming hijinks in Chicago.”

(But in a separate email to everyone, except Jill and Joe, the invite reads: “Joe Biden saved America in 2020 but the expiration date on his political career is flashing bright red. We can’t let that GOP psychopath back into the White House. Please join us in this dire intervention and convince him that exiting the race gracefully will secure his place in history and help assure another Democratic win in November. We’re inviting Joe and Jill for 7 p.m. So please arrive promptly at 6:30 so we can pre-game this existentially important intervention.”)

Opening Scene: 6:30 pm on July 19th. The guests start slowly trickling in.

Bill Clinton (greeting the Obamas, Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries at the front door): “Thanks for coming. We know this is unprecedented. But it may be our only hope. And I know because I’m the man from Hope (Arkansas).”

Barack Obama: “I’ve been telling Joe for two years, he should retire his jersey like Michael Jordan did, as a champion and before he slows down so much that it’s visible to the whole world.”

Hakeem Jeffries: “We must not let our leader be our destroyer. We must persevere so that we can preserve the union. We mustn’t prevaricate before it’s too late – Chicago must go from being our Waterloo to our D-Day.”

Chuck Schumer: “Hillary and Bill, thank you for your courage in putting this intervention together. In New York, we call it cojones. Or chutzpah. Depends on which neighborhood you’re in.”

Hillary Clinton: “Although it’s tempting to not go down in history as the only person who lost the presidency to a convict, Bill and I have been racking our brains to see what we can do. We figure the Bidens are not unfamiliar with interventions, so here we are.”

(Bell rings again. Nancy Pelosi walks in).

Bill Clinton: “Nancy, great you could make it.”

Nancy Pelosi: “Bill, I’ve had nightmares the past few nights about Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Diane Feinstein. I’m worried that Joe is repeating their mistakes, and we certainly can’t afford another RBG-like screw-up.”

(Bell rings again. Bill ushers in historian Jon Meacham, a Biden confidant and speechwriter).

Bill Clinton: “Thanks, Jon. We needed someone like you who is close to Joe and can give this intervention a historical context. You’re a national treasure.”

Jon Meacham: “Thank you, 42. I know that at the 2020 convention, I said that we’re at our best when we build bridges, not walls, but I think this might be case where a human wall – in other words, an intervention – will help safeguard democracy. I love Joe, but he hasn’t lost just a step, he’s lost in space, and we need to save him from himself to save the Republic.

Barack Obama: “So Bill and Hillary, what’s the game plan? It’s almost 6:45 and we’ve got 15 minutes to devise a plan that could change the course of history.”

Hillary Clinton: “We should all sit in the living room. When Jill and Joe enter the room, we’ll yell: “Surprise!” When they ask what the surprise is, we’ll say: “This is your retirement party!” It’s so much more graceful than saying: “We’re doing an intervention!”

Bill Clinton: “That was the genius idea Hillary came up with. Joe will be startled but it’ll be a better icebreaker and probably less triggering for them than using the word “intervention,” because they’ve probably been to a few of those with Hunter by now.”

Michelle Obama: “Ok, so then what? How does he gracefully exit the race without feeling humiliated? Joe’s proud and stubborn and this will be a bitter pill for him to swallow.”

Hakeem Jeffries: “I’ve discussed this with the Clintons, and we think that we can appeal to his patriotic and paternal side and say: “Joe, you will go down in history not only as a Top 10 President; you’ll also be lionized for knowing that the best thing you could do for party and country is not to stay at the banquet table too long. You’ve earned a victory lap and as soon as you’re out of office, people will forget about Hunter and leave him alone. You can enjoy your grandchildren, spend as much time as you want in Rehoboth and enjoy your golden years with Jill as an American hero and icon.”

Barack Obama: “He’s going to ask: What is Plan B? Should we recommend a four-week open primary before the convention?”

Bill Clinton: I think that’s our best hope. It’ll generate excitement and take the spotlight off Trump, who’s riding high right now after that ear-grazing assassination attempt.

(Doorbell rings. It’s the Bidens. Jill and Joe enter a living room where everyone is sitting down with somber looks on their faces).

Hillary and Bill Clinton shout in unison: “Surprise! Welcome to your well-deserved retirement party.’

Joe Biden looks stunned. Jill has a wan smile on her face.

Joe Biden: “Hey, fellas, this is a funny joke, but I’m busy with the convention coming up in a month. What gives?”

Barack Obama: “Joe, we need you to hang up your cleats. Do you remember what Willie Mays looked like his last two years in baseball? He could barely make it down the first base line. Or Muhammad Ali? He was hit in the head so many times that his final years were sad to watch. We’d be committing elder abuse if we allowed you to spend four more years aging rapidly in the White House. Do you remember how gray my hair got in that first term? That’s happening all over your body and it’s not fair to you or Jill or the Democratic voters who love you to let that slow-motion train wreck continue. Bow out in a beautifully written valedictory speech that Jon Meacham here has already promised to make one of the most memorable speeches in history.

Jon Meacham: “The period for a new election of a citizen, to administer the executive government of the United States, being not far distant, and the time actually arrived, when your thoughts must be employed designating the person, who is to be clothed with that important trust, it appears to me proper, especially as it may conduce to a more distinct expression of the public voice, that I should now apprize you of the resolution I have formed, to decline being considered among the number of those out of whom a choice is to be made.”

Bill Clinton: “Washington’s Farewell Address! Brilliant. Mimic that, and you’ll go down in history as valorized as the Father of our Country. Talk about passing the torch and how it’s time for a new generation of digital natives to take our republic forward.

Joe Biden: “You really think that they’ll compare me to George Washington if I make that speech?”

Barack Obama: “It’ll go down in history, like Washington, as one of the most heroic and selfless acts an American president has ever done. People feel that way about Washington and when we win in November and erase Trump from our history, like Washington erased the British king, they will say: Good ol’ Joe, he went out a hero and a true patriot.”

Joe Biden: “I don’t know what to say. (Looks at Jill). What do you think, honey?”

Jill Biden (looks exasperated, covers her eyes with her flat hands and shrugs). She emits a big sigh. “Ughhh.”

Joe Biden (mumbles): “But Jill (stutters)…the people…”

Doorbell suddenly rings. Bill goes to answer it. It’s Hunter Biden.

He peeks in at the crowd sitting in a semi-circle.

Hunter Biden: “I was just looking for dad…is this an intervention?”

Joe Biden: “Son, it’s actually a retirement party.”

Hunter Biden: “Dad, I’m so sorry.”

Joe Biden: “Don’t worry son. You’re pardoned.”

Tom Allon is the founder of City & State.