Satire/Odd News

So fresh and so clean

To have a politically influential spring cleaning, try using our new line of product offerings.

MACIEJ TOPOROWICZ/NYC/GETTY IMAGES; ANNA MONEYMAKER/GETTY IMAGES

Red robins, daffodils and snowdrops, more daylight: the harbingers of spring are just around the corner – including the urge to begin spring cleaning. 

Which, naturally, got us wondering: How do our favorite politicians scrub, sweep and sanitize their way through this vernal tradition – and, more importantly, what would it look like if they had their own brands of cleaning supplies?

Mr. Clean Label Remover

Photo credit: Maciej Toporowicz/Getty Images; Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images

This new offering from the Mr. Clean line – much like product collab partner U.S. Sen. John Fetterman – is hard to categorize. A limited-offering “Maverick” edition – an ode to the sartorially sui generis pol – can be put to use for anything and everything. You’ll never guess where it could abrade next!

Dawn Red Tape Edition

Photo credit: ImageStock/Getty Images; AK2/Getty Images; Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

If you’re looking for a liquid soap that can get rid of grease stains, swampy residue and that pesky hard-to-remove red tape, look no further than state Sen. Dawn Keefer’s commonwealth cleaning product. Keefer, a Republican from York County, has focused her time in Harrisburg on reducing regulations and right-sizing government – and that same cleanup mentality is put into every bottle of Dawn: Red Tape Edition.

Gainey Grit & Grime Detergent

Photo credit: Hawk111/Getty Images; Commonwealth Media Services

Much like its namesake, the state representative-turned-mayor, Gainey multi-action cleaner is designed to work in more ways than one. Pittsburgh Mayor Ed Gainey and his administration continue efforts to revitalize the city’s downtown. Gainey Grit & Grime Detergent works equally well on city blocks and dirty socks.

Magic Wanda Glass Cleaner

Photo credit: Maciej Toporowicz/Getty Images; Paul Weaver/SOPA Images/LightRocket/GettyImages

Harrisburg Mayor Wanda Williams has been working to clean up the Capital City since well before she took office in 2022. And her Magic Wanda Glass Cleaner is the ultimate weapon against obfuscation and opacity, with a new, improved transparency formula.

Arm & Hamm Field Work

Photo credit: Eliza317/Getty Images; Commonwealth Media Servces / Getty Images

This ain’t one of your indoor cleaners. Arm & Hamm Field Work, brought to you by state Rep. Joe Hamm of Lycoming County, an Army veteran and current member of the House Agriculture & Rural Affairs Committee, can get the toughest of stains out. The all-purpose cleaner can tackle all of your field work dirt and make any fabric Harrisburg-ready.